Apart of The Chamber Of Secrets...

The Pandora's Box
Today, I've showed my dear apart of my little secret... A box from the past... Memories of everything kept in it... Items that belong to my very own pain and I kept it in a small box... Some secrets maybe words, but I have a secret that I can only tell by showing it... I name this box The Pandora's Box... A box that once gave me life to live on, happy memories... But all turned out to be the most painful memories of my past... Legend has it, The Pandora's Box looks beautiful from the outside... But once open, It unleashes a powerful plague that kills all life on earth... This box is special, although it is apart of my Chamber Of Secrets... But it exist in my life so that I can show people about it and tell about it... I've shown dear what is inside... Every single item's story... Who I wanted to give, who gave it to me... Dear was so happy and interested in hearing and seeing all those things... And I gave dear 1 chain haha... This chain has a story of it, I wanted to give it to a boy that I once like, at first he accepted it and later on, he gave it back to me... Who cares now, it's already a past... I've found my love already... I feel very happy and glad to show dear about my secret although it's not all, but I hope it's consider much already... Spend time with dear today... Haha, not bad... A nice and damn hot day... Hope dear won't mind that I'm not telling everything in a day or two... Slowly as time comes I'll reveal it one by one to show and let dear know about it...

About me...

Born in February 14Th 1990... Valentines day... Given a name and carry on a curse that was born within me.. I only bring pain to the love ones who care for me... Hurting their feelings and destroying their hearts that who closes on to me, I cannot bring happiness to people... I've hurt many people in ways that sometimes I don't even notice myself until when I think back what I've eventually done... and it's too late to undo what's been done it's done... I hurt others feelings through words, what I've said... But many of them pretend that nothing had happen and I know that I've already hurt them...

I've became a changed man, there's too many things, I've been hiding my real self deep inside me for a long time... A cold look with no laughter on it... A cold pair of eyes giving out cold aura to who ever looks straight in it... Maybe it's because I hold too many things in my ownself... I was once called a boy that brings pain to others by one of my family members... I was also given a title called "Destroyer", a boy that will never stops destroying things even if it's the thing I like the most... As I grow older, I notice that I can create and destroy the things I love, the people I love, things beside me...

Chamber Of Secrets...

I've seen the inner world of myself... All I see in my world are millions of doors in it, misleading, confusions, misunderstanding, a total mysterious world... It's like a never ending journey, entering a door but after entering it, it leads to another door... Every door represents the past of me, what I've done, what I've achieve, my most happy moments, my saddest moments... But through all this doors in my world, there's one door that leads it deep down to a dark core where there's a chamber hidden through light from shinning in... The Chamber Of Secrets I named it, this chamber is totally protected, a barrier and millions of locks, locking all secrets in it and preventing any trespassers from coming in, and a curse that anyone who tries entering it will end up hurt and heartbroken, confusion, misleading, misunderstanding matters, a total impact on mental attack... It's like a nuclear bomb, once explodes causes tremendous destruction to the person who cannot accepts it... This chamber has 2 parts of it, Questions and Answers...

I hold secrets not only from myself... I hold secrets of others, and all this secrets goes into that chamber, not totally all secrets, only selected secrets should be stored in it and never be revealed once and for all till I leave this world... This chamber was created for a reason, it's to protected the one that I love the most, from not letting him get hurt because secrets that will hurt him... But by having the chamber of secrets, there's a price that I have to pay for it... The price is it will causes the one I love into mysterious feelings like he feels that I am a stranger to him hiding too many things from him... It's truly unfair, but this Chamber was created to protect and destroy... By holding this Chamber Of Secrets, it is totally uneasy, I do feel sad most of the time carrying such heavy vault and I've to wear an iron mask all day to act like there's nothing wrong with me... As I believe, this chamber will one day destroy me and I understand the consequences of it...

As today, I've revealed one secret to the one that I loved, a actual secret that kept me form tremendous confusion and misunderstanding from the day this secret was born because of a dream and I really mind about it... Before this I told Dear about it before, but I lie about it and I finally told him the actual thing today... As I predicted tremendous confusion, misunderstanding and misleading erupt in his mind... Hurt him, I know I was in fault for changing part of it and told a lie instead of the real thing and if I wanted to tell, why didn't I be honest with him and why did I added somethings that it was suppose to be real and I faked it... I was so afraid that if I tell this secret out it might happen, and if I don't tell it out, my emotions will hurt the one I love and it might happen... For once I think it over, if it really happens, who should I blame... My Dear or Other people...? No one to be blamed but my own self... Because this secret is a key of trust and believe... I tell it out, maybe because I don't trust him and doubt him that he will do it when I am not around... But if I don't tell it out, and one day he finds out by himself, he will be hurt and saying I don't trust him at all... Dear was totally emo after what I told him... It's like there is no point of being together, because it's like I don't trust him... Or maybe because of me it happened... After this matter, dear said that I truly have a dark world that he doesn't really understands it...

It takes time for a person to really get to understand my true world, not all people can accept it just like accepting a treat from a friend... It is totally mysterious inside from hiding something like this... So far, I've already revealed 3 secrets to the one I loved, 1st secret made him sad, confuse, misunderstand, misleading, and hurting him... 2Nd secret made him jealous and hurt I feel... 3rd secret made him kinda emo due to the same background of what is happening... I really know all this hurts, that's why sometimes I am afraid of letting the one I love know and I rather be a mysterious man instead of seeing the one I love getting hurt and emo...

There was one time I though I can be truly honest with dear, but I found out that all this secrets do hurt dear badly... In order to protect, I rather be mysterious better then letting him getting hurt and let time by time showing him one matter by one matter... Slowly letting him to know me, I've no intension of hiding so many things from him, my love is not fake towards him... I don't want dear to have unhappy moments with me... I notice that when ever I accidentally hurt him, he says nothing... It really makes me feel bad, because I know what is going on but when I ask him he says nothing, I know he doesn't want me to feel bad... But by hiding it and I know the truth makes me feel more bad... We're like in a relationship of secrets, because of me... I am the one who created it... I've so many secrets to tell dear, but some secrets might hurt dear's feelings... I know that I've hurt dear many times, until 1 time dear cried because I told dear of something that dear really didn't like, because of love, dear had to carry on even nothing happened... I can hurt the one I love by not knowing it myself...















Forgive me dear, I've been keeping so many things from you... Hurting you... Sorry...

Unfinish Business...

It's been awhile since I never write any new blogs... There were many things going on and was busy handling them... Haha, but still have time for my dear ^^... Saturday dear came over to my house to overnight, hehe had fun when dear was in my House... Spend time with dear, and dear even had dinner in my house on Sunday night haha... Dear told me a lot of his past and the things that were about dear's unhappy moments... Dear has a lot of it I know, words from other's really makes dear unhappy, minding what they say... After dinner, we both surf the net haha... And later on call my little brother come out together and have drinks at Kepong Baru because after drinking can straight send dear home ^^... Had a lot of fun with dear ^^... Hehe, after getting my pay... gona take dear to eat pizza haha^^...

Sorry...

Dear, I am very sorry if I said something that hurt you just now... I feel that our relationship is cold... We're both very busy, and as day passes by we end up nothing to chat about... there's emptiness I feel between our relationship... Maybe it's my problem that is making our relationship cold... But I do love you a lot dear... I feel that this coldness will one day break my heart and yours... I know dear you love me a lot... I love you a lot also... In the eyes of others we don't look like couples, many said we're very cold towards each other... I feel that I am a failure to make dear happy, I can protect... But what good if I can't make the one I love happy... My time will be running out as each day passes... Time won't give a chance to stop... and each day flying by is very hard to accept... I don't want both of us to be sad...


Dear don't misunderstand this blog I wrote, I am not leaving you... I wont leave you, and I love you a lot... ^^


Because I am a boy that is willing to give away everything for love, Please don't break a Heart of a boy, who'll do anything for love... Because I am a boy, that love is everything to me...

Friends Or Foe

Friday
It's been almost 3 weeks since we were not that close to each other already... It all began because of an online game we played together... On that day, I've just woke up and the first thing I do is login Maple Story, and after login to my character, as normal... I usually walked around to find things to do or just to think of something to come out with, then I noticed that, time was almost up for me to get ready for work... Before I was away from keyboard... I left my character in one of Maple Story most busy channel and place, "Free Market"... There were many players around and the whole place was crowded and if you type a message you can't even get to see what others are talking due to other players spamming through out the whole day... Before I was declared away, I've experience a few times disconnect from the server, and when I login to the game I saw my close friend is already in the game don't have a clue on what was he doing because I seldom ask what are my friends doing in games... After that, I was away from keyboard to get ready for work... Having my bath and breakfast all those stuffs... Before I step out of the house, I'll shutdown my computer and logout my Maple Story and not even looking at my previous chats due to where I am in the game...


Saturday - Evening
The next day, when I was playing Maple Story as usual with some other friends, I notice that my friend - DragonValor, one of my best friend in real life and games... I asked him some questions about Maple and he didn't even care of answering me... Ignoring me through out the day... One of my friend- Kim, notice this matter also, and he helped me to ask what had happened... But Dragon refuse to speak anything out from his mouth... until late night, Kim phone dragon and ask him about what had happened... He told Kim that he ignored me because I ignored him on Friday morning... I was like "Huh?! what is he talking about...? When did he called me and I ignored him...?" so many freaking questions on my mind...

Sunday - Night
At night I called Kim out and call Dragon along, because I wanted to ask and put this matter to a rest once and for all... We went to the cafe first and later on, we went for a drink in a restaurant... And I brought this matter up, asking him what is wrong... what are you angry of? He denied it by saying, I don't know what are you talking about, showing us all sorts of faces and colours, Mixed... By asking him so many rounds of "hat's wrong with you..." I finally can't take it anymore, I began saying things like this... " if you're a man, and there's trouble troubling you say it out talk like a man to settle this case like a man, rather than keep on denying it and showing your face like this to us, keep on denying it will not help you solve this matter, your face has already stated that you're mad of me because of something, now tell me what have I done wrong to provoke you... " At last he said it all out... and we discuss it, he was saying I ignored him in game... and saying all kind of stuffs and finally settled...

After that day, I notice that he is a changed man... The one that I use to know is like dead a long time already, It's just I didn't notice that he was changed until that day... Last time he wouldn't get angry over such small matters, but now... He takes it seriously... And now when we meet each other, we already seldom talk to each other... We still talk, but very short talk... just ask and answer then silent already, nothing much to talk already... we both are almost like ice when we meet each other... nothing but only cold smile and laughs... Are we still Friends...? Or you have already declared me as your Foe...? Question lurks beneath my heart... I dare to say he already knows about my secret...






Friend Or Foe, You choose... To me, the path of life is still a long way to go, less you this kind of friend won't give me any benefit to my life... Of course, to have you as my friend is much more better...

Nothing But Memories... A Story About A Boy...

In this story that I write, names of the person that I am describing will not be revealed, and the person I will be writing about will only be described as "He"... His story is all only but happy memories and his sad memories with the one he loved the most... A sad story about a boy... Each night he taste the purest of pain...

His a boy that carries a happy face where ever he goes, smiling all the way, staying very strong like other normal boys... But, in the other side... He is nothing but a sad boy being played by Love, acting happy and strong as each day passes... hiding all his sadness, pain, loneliness through his smiles... Facing the world by wearing a mask... Hiding deep inside his cold heart core, carrying a secret like me... Unable to tell other friends like normal secrets that buddies share along their friendship life, choosing who to tell, this secret only can be told to the boys that are same kind like him, and shall not be expose to others due to social, family, friends, religion pressure... Yes, as I write the word "same kind like me" is referring to homosexual... During his secondary level, when he was in form 4... He deeply fell in love with a boy that is younger than him by 1 year if I'm not mistaken... He truly loved him with pure heart, but... the boy that he loves is nothing only but a shadow... He cannot give what he seeks in him, because the boy He love is normal, straight... During school days, he treated that boy as if they were in a relationship... giving everything to the boy that he loves, fetching him after school, buying him the things that he likes... Fulfilling his lover's dreams... giving him almost everything he wants... Even though he knows that the boy he loves will not accept him, yet he continues to scarifies almost everything for the boy he loves the most, just to see him happy and laugh all day... Every time after school, if there's a chance to fetch his lover back, he would be very gladly and happy to fetch him back home from school and not needing any promises from his lover...

His a boy that understands situation... He understands what is love and he also understands that he will not be given a chance to be with the boy he loves because of fate... His love towards that boy is so pure, and deep like an ocean... He once told me that he only wishes to see the one he love happy and willing to do anything that will make him happy although they cannot be couples... For all the love he found in that boy... He was his strength when he was weak, his voice when he could not speak... Gave him wings and made him fly... When he lost his faith, he gave it back to him... Can't be apart of life... but his thankful for each day he gave him... Through all the lies he was the only one that is truth... A place in his heart that no other boys can take over... All he feels that he was blessed to get to know the boy he loved in his life...

On February 14Th... Valentines day, He was a boy that shattered into million of pieces... The one he loved was in a relationship, and he fetched his lover to go buy valentines gift for his girlfriend... He was so sad... and there's one time, he get to go to his lover's house and stayed overnight with the one he loved... at night, he heard his lover talking to his girlfriend... Heart broken, yet he didn't gave up on loving the boy he felled for, with no regrets until today...

He is also a boy that love is everything to him... His heart is like the north star...






The north star will be always in the north... It wont follow the season to move... Guiding the one he love, always shinning brightly in the north sky every night...