Future / Past / Presence

Hi Bloggie, it's me again... Back to find you whenever there's problem... Hope you won't mind and hate me for this :'(... Well, since there's no body beside me to share all my problems, and while those who care for me are busying with either their life or their future... Pathetic eh? People can spend time on building their career and "designing" their future, while I just sit in front of the comp surfing the Internet and just blogging. So blind and dark here... I can't barely see my own future... Always waste my own time on thinking nonsense and there goes bloggie here bloggie there, I feel so lost...

Whoa! look at the date... Today's already 30Th of May, end of tomorrow is already June, there goes half a year of 2009 and the age of 19Th... As I see days passes by like a blink of an eye, I begin to worry more, more anxious... more pressure building up within me... What makes me so "fucked up"? I think it's because I can't see my dreams and even believe in the things I do already... When did it start? I don't know... Maybe because of letting "him" down too many times, taking & eating too much failure, and can't be digested out of my little body... Too much to worry for... I've learn and understand that, If I give myself too much pressure, I'll intend to face death itself... Don't worry bloggie... I'm not going to suicide... I mean that it's like a slow suicide because I've learn 90% of the cause of cancer is because of "pressure" and the meaning of pressure is anything that harms the body "mental" and causes it to have many health problems...

Am I dying...? I don't know... Maybe in a slow and steady way... I have to find my path... The little light out from this cold chill darkness, before my time runs out... The clock is ticking, I can't stop the clock from it's job... Things turn about a slightly bit by bit better as I continue to read a book of hope, a book of future, and a book of power... A seed that I've bought in the past and buried it in my desk for a long long time until one day... A friend of mine told and chat with me about this book - The Secrets... Bought it for fun and didn't read it... Tried to act like a high educated guy reading a book, but the other way round, sealed it inside a desk of mine and never look into it until today...

Just started reading it - The Secrets... Found out some interesting things and the meaning of somethings I wanted answer long ago... Not bad, find it interesting... Haha, won't write it here about what's written in that book, or else either readers from my blog will sleep or either thinks I am crazy... Only people who read this book will understand what I am talking about... There's a few sentences that I like and made me to think really hard and also focus on things...


Your life is in your hands. No matter where you are now, no matter what has happened in your life, you can begin to consciously choose your thoughts, and change your life. There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstance of your life can change!

你/我的笑容已死。。。

真的。。。问题不断的在发生，重复又重复。。。 相信你都很累了，很痛了。。。 痛，能令你把所有东西隐藏起来，当作没事发生过那样。。。 痛，能令你把所有问题都回避起来。。。 提都不提。。。“隐瞒比较容易吧”。。。 导致你需要用Blog来和我谈心事。。。

看到你的blog。。。 问我到底有没有感觉痛。。。 这句。。。 的确很痛。。。 你的心碎了。。。难不成我的没碎？ 错。。。 你没有。。。 错。。。是我。。。

我外表看起来不在乎，没事，没感觉。。。 因为他们全都在我内心里好好的被隐藏起来。。。没有仔细的去察觉。。。是很隐秘的封印。。。 这也是我的特点。。。 大家都看到只是外表的小孩子脾气的我。。。 我真正的痛。。。 已经很好的被处理了。。。 大家都被骗了。。。 抱歉。。。

陪伴我除了孤单以外没有东西了。。。 老友。。。 很久没来盼望我了，最近还好吗？ 我已经迷茫的失去方向了。。。 我身边除了家人与你外。。。 已经没有别人来指导我了。。。 我在尝试，指导自己。。。 自己走自己的路。。。 自己找回自己。。。我在尝试改变。。。 可惜。。。 在别人眼中我一点也没变。。。 好复杂。。。 太复杂。。。 好冷。。。 真的冷了。。。


错。。。全都是我自己一手一脚创造。。。 问题就由我独自来面对。。。 我的痛就让自己来承担。。。


我还是依旧的爱你。。。

Again...

Hello bloggie... I am back again, well something happened again... He suddenly throw his temper towards me... I feel so confuse, so sad, and kinda angry now... I don't know what I've done wrong, for all the times when I am unhappy or anything, he will surely force me say it out... But when it comes to him, he will not even say a word to me or share anything with me... He will just shut his mouth up and even lie to me... A second he was sitting down watching his movie, the other split second he woke up and head towards the main door and walk out just like that... About 5 minutes later, I began to worry about him... And I went searching for him even though I am working now, so I've just have to lie to my friend and say ask him to help me to look after the cashier while I go out and buy somethings... The First place that I think of to search for him maybe is at 7-11 store...

But as I went there, he was not there and I also bough a few things for him and me... I called his phone many times but he doesn't want to receive, and after a few times calling and smsing, he finally off his phone and took out his sim card... Got me so worried... Now things turned worst as I pursuit him and asked him what is going on... He still continue lying to me saying everything is alright, in fact, his not... I have no idea what was going on, all this things just happened in a spilt second I can't even get to understand what is going on...

Now he went home alone... I am so worried about him... His mad at me... I don't know what to do now... I am all alone, I sent multiple sms to him already... But his not even responding and the worst part is... His phone is still off...

Was it my fault? I really don't know, I feel so empty and helpless... I don't know whether he knows how's my feelings or not... I am also a human, please kindly don't do this or bring this kind of matter up if you're not ready to chat about it... Why must we both suffer in the end.... What's my mistake... Tell me please...


I love you - PES... Sorry...

Move The Pendulum

Hello again bloggie, I'm back again... Well feels kinda selfish whenever I am sad or emo I'll come and find you - (bloggie)... Well, feeling kinda sad now. Why!? For what reason...? Well to tell you the truth bloggie, I feel that I am a failure in life... A failure in my love life... A failure in the future... Well who cares about the future, I care more on my love life...

Why do I feel that I am a failure in my love life...? I feel like I am a suck ass Boyfriend... I can't entertain my lover, until he has to find his friends to SMS all the time to get rid of - Boring... I don't know, maybe it's because of what I've done towards him and now this is the price I am paying and to bare with it...

Feeling lonely all the time, it's been a while I've not have this feelings... Suddenly this feelings emerges once again since it was buried long ago inside my heart after I met him... Weird... This feeling... Makes me feel so empty... Is it the reason why I've not been able to hold my smiles on my face for time to time...? I don't know... I really don't... Each day, I can see his smile sinking to the bottom of his heart... I guess this is the reason... But I don't know the actual reason, since he doesn't want to be honest with me but to his friends more... His smile, my smile... are both sinking as each day passes by...

It's is fate...? Or is it man made...? Bloggie... I've been keeping a lot of things in my heart... I've no one to tell... No one to share... Pressure is building up as each day passes by... I am lost... I need help... Hear my plea... Both of us are crying all day long, it hurts... SO... Badly... I don't know how long I can hold on to this bloggie, my tears are turning red... I am dying inside...

An Endless Story

What a day... Didn't get much sleep last night, slept at 3.30 a.m in the morning and guess what time I woke up...? 7.30 a.m I was awake already, but kept lying on the bed and fall back into the dreams till 9.33 a.m... Feeling kinda tired and Emo today...

Was up the whole night think about you and me... All those matter that replays again, all the mistake replays again and again, hurting you badly... We argued about a lot of problems that were unsolved and left aside (with an eye close). It feels weird, when you love someone but you still can hurt your lover... What we talk last night was all the truth that was kept ancient long enough to be uncovered, and it's only the matter of time to be uncovered... Yeah, it hurts when comes to talk about (Truth), I bet no one likes it that's why most of em choose to -EVADE...

For all the hurting, bleeding, rage last night was all reflect to what I've done... All because of me... I made it myself to suffer... Maybe I feel you don't deserve me, I know that sentences I wrote will hurt you... But it's the fact... At the rate I am doing all this towards you, you're suffering and won't be happy... I always admire on how people treat their lover so good, while I know nothing about love and wants to be in a relationship... - (selfish eh?)

I was tired... But my body and mind won't rest because of what happened... Well I guess you're sleeping already and by waking you up and talk about this won't help much because you're tired and I am tired and won't make things any better since it's been a day long for both of us... Before hanging up the phone, you asked me one easy simple question... "Will we be happy together as always...?" I remembered what I've answered you and hurt you... "I don't know already..." So I was left in the dark and to think about this matter...

3.30 a.m whoa, few hours more till sunrise... I've finally understood that the problem will not rest unless I change myself... I do admit changing is hard especially yourself...

CHRIS /PES

I still you love like always do... PES

Sorry...